love has come for you

[Note: Under a label of "the personal is political," the following LONG post is not my typical post in that I explore a controversial subject and share my beliefs and values openly. I tend to shy away from the political on this blog. I stick to music and poetry and my "every day" as a creative outlet. But sometimes, I can't un-entwine art with my life's beliefs, and I couldn't post this song without sharing in more detail why I feel the way I do about it. I imagine I have readers who have different beliefs, and I respect your right to your beliefs. In fact I often read others' beliefs that conflict with mine just to try to understand them better. If you don't want to read further, just watch the video and don't read the post. If you read and choose to comment, I ask for respect in the comments, because this is my safe space. Thanks.]

There is a lot of love in this song. And when I think of performers that I love, Steve Martin and Edie Brickell are on the list (though I had not heard them together until watching this video).  This is Steve and Edie performing, "Love Has Come For You," live at the WFUV studio, this past April. This song hit me not only with its beautiful rhythms, chords, and melody -- but also with its lyrics. It is about a woman who chooses to parent her son despite what society is telling her about the circumstances of her pregnancy. In her case, it is her imperative and right to parent, and it was absolutely the right choice for her. It was the decision that fulfilled her entire life.

After listening to this two times through, I started to wish that every woman could feel peace of mind and fulfillment, and that "love has come for her," regardless of the pregnancy decision she makes for herself. Sadly, there are many denied this peace or sense of well-being, because of the unkindness of others.

I work for a not-for-profit, pro-choice adoption agency. I work with women and couples who have to make difficult pregnancy decisions. One thing I frequently realize is how women are judged and sometimes even maligned for their reproductive decisions in a way that men rarely are. How many times have you heard a woman judged for how many children she is parenting, or a woman vilified for choosing to terminate a pregnancy or to lovingly place her child for adoption because she feels that is the best decision for herself and her child. Society does not comment on what a man should do because of a sexual transgression or how he should be viewed because of his participation in reproductive choice. But women are seen as fair game for stigma when it comes to either parenting too many, or having an abortion, or choosing adoption for a child. It's simply unfair and unkind.

In this song, the woman's pregnancy is the result of an affair (with that man from the bank, who was married with a son), and she is expected to "give her child away . . . to erase what she'd done." (And let me say that I hate the terminology "give up" or "give away" a child . . . it is SO not that, particularly with open adoption.)

As an adoptive parent and adoption professional, I want to spread the word that adoption is a reproductive choice deserving respect. Why does it carry stigma? Any complex question begets a complicated answer, but absolutely, when a woman (or couple) voluntarily makes the decision to place a child with another parent or set of parents to raise, that is a decision that merits compassion and respect, not judgement. What messes up the simplicity is the stigma, which adds guilt or shame, or coercion to make an adoption plan, or the view of adoption as "a punishment for a wrong behavior," both illustrated in this song. In the not-so-distant past, many adoption decisions were made for women, and not necessary by women, and adoptions were all closed . . . creating a shameful history and one that informs the work I now do. We must do better. Love must come for all. And thankfully, the agency I work for has a 30 plus year history of doing things better, and with integrity and compassion.

Even though adoption is not chosen as frequently as parenting or abortion, it is nonetheless a natural phenomenon, and when it unfolds with mutual respect, kindness and openness, it can work well for all, including most importantly, the children. My saying this does not mean I think it should be pushed upon anyone. It absolutely has to be voluntary. But my saying this is also a call for society to not push against a woman who is considering or chooses adoption. Why make her difficult decision more difficult? Why perpetuate adoption  "a consequence for poor choices" as judged by others or why coerce? And why judge a woman after she has placed a child? In fact, adoption is the right choice for many. Done well, a birth mother (birth parents) gets peace of mind and can heal and move forward -- and is a special figure in the life of a child. Adoptive parents are the humble recipients of one of the greatest of life's gifts, a longed-for child to parent.

This song makes me proud to work with the beautiful and strong women with whom I have worked, who, in a sea of negative voices, let their own voice be heard and placed their child because they knew it was the right decision for them and their child. It also makes me proud of the women who know that they want to and are able to parent their children, and it also makes me proud of women who choose to not continue their pregnancy because it is their decision, their body, and they will not let society's view of them as a gendered being with certain obligations, no.matter.what -- be forced into the role of mother if they are not able to take that on. If we care about children, we have to care about mothers -- all kinds. We can't just be pro-birth. We have to be pro-safe, healthy, and ready family. I am known to use the words "anti-choice" rather than "pro-life" to describe the political stance of those who are against a woman's abortion rights. A life is much more than a birth. May all have love come to them.