the week of nothing good

I was so tired yesterday morning that I blurted out to Tom, "this has been the week of nothing good." I was referring to yet another great loss... Leonard Cohen. What Leonard Cohen song to pick? His new CD, recorded while he was very ill, in pain, and in retrospect so clearly dying, is very dark. While brilliant, I can't go there. So Sisters of Mercy? Suzanne? And of course, Hallelujah?

I decided to embed two songs below, in addition to the sneaky hyperlinks above. I really love Choir! Choir! Choir! and they did a great job with Hallelujah (along with Rufus Wainright who does a lovely rendition himself). And, I wanted to include a song about Leonard by Joni Mitchell. The two had a year-long affair and some great writing came from that time. (That Song About the Midway and The Gallery are both written about Cohen, and A Case of You - below - is largely believed to be about Cohen also.) Enjoy. Cohen's spirit will live on for a long time. 

9/11 prayers

It's been 15 years. I remember where I was. I remember the days that followed. The ache - then and now - remains. At the 10 year anniversary, I wrote this poem: layers of ash. At 15 years, all I have is a quiet moment of blinking. Love to all still suffering.

another artist leaves

This seems to be quite a year for famous person deaths. Hearing the news about Prince dead at 57 yesterday was pretty shocking. His music was a backdrop of the 80s and 90s for me, and one thing I felt I had in common with him - this unusual artist - was his love of Joni Mitchell. He "got" her. She knew it too. It isn't his usual fare, but he played on a Joni tribute album a few years ago, and he did a really neat job on A Case of You. It is not at all like the original and it is also simultaneously very much in tune with the feeling of the original. He apparently also recorded this on one of his albums in the last decade or so. Here you go.

ground control to . . .

Far above the Moon 

Planet Earth is blue 

And there's nothing I can do

The New Yorker - Schwartz

I spent my lunch hour listening to David Bowie songs on WFUV streaming. What a talent. I appreciate all his art . . . thank you, David Bowie, for surrealism extraordinaire.

the world needs healing

Peace, please.

oak stance

the big oak tree
stands
present for all
the happiness of birds
singing
and flitting through branches
woodpecker tapping
chipmunks racing
inch worms booking it
down and up the trunk's bark

she is there in gentle breezes
with sunshine filtering through
rustling leaves
and through tumultuous storms
rain and wind and snow and hail

observing, in equanimity,
when the sharp-shinned hawk
slices through the air and picks
off the robin's nest of eggs
or the beautiful northern flicker
or a baby rabbit

birth and death
celebration and pain
summer, winter
and everything in between

© nan, 2015


I wrote this after thinking about the oak stance I tend to take when things are going well. I am ever conscious that even when celebrating something good, others may be experiencing pain or loss or hardship. It isn't that I don't want to be happy. I do - and I am. I am just trying to remember to keep things in oak stance and remember equanimity as often as possible.

Back in December, I mentioned that I returned to my former campus for an interim position. I knew the position would eventually be searched, and it was earlier this summer. The process of the search can take at minimum a couple of months. I formally applied at the end of June, and then at the end of July had a phone interview. I went on vacation not knowing if or when I would get the in-person campus interview (although I felt that I would since the past eight months have gone very well and I have worked very hard to show the powers that be that this was a very good mutual fit).

Three days into vacation, I got an email (I had told them I wouldn't have much cell service) asking me to have a formal campus interview on the day I was due back in the office - last Monday. I said yes, and found it interesting that I had no time to buy a new suit (or anything new to wear) or even really prepare. (Certainly though, actually serving the position as long as I have and a thoughtful job application process did prepare me...) I had not brought my materials with me on vacation. I went in a week ago today and did a decent job of the day-long interview. The other finalist came in the following day. By Friday afternoon, I had a verbal offer. It is time to celebrate! (And I did... both Friday and Saturday nights!) I am off today, a planned vacation day, contemplating how much changed in just one week.

Things can change in an instant. Sometimes for good and sometimes for bad. During this celebration, I am conscious of some very challenging times that some people I love are going through. I won't let it take away my joy, but I am keeping joy in appropriate check. Equanimity, please. I'd like to keep this oak stance going, thanks.

ring them bells

Ring them bells for the blind and the deaf

Ring them bells for all of us who are left

Ring them bells for the chosen few

Who will judge the many when the game is through

Ring them bells, for the time that flies

For the child that cries

When innocence dies

Ring Them Bells. What a song. Written and sung by Bob Dylan, covered by Joan Baez, Joe Cocker, Sufjan Stevens, and others... and now sung here so beautifully by Sarah Jarosz (Sugar Hill Records, The Americana Sessions, 2013).

This song came into my head this morning as our community is mourning the loss of more young lives. A car crash last night claimed the lives of two beautiful high school girls and left one young man in critical condition. This just weeks after the untimely death of another high school student. Our young people and their parents are shaken. At times like these people turn to faith or inconsolable grief and bitterness (and, I suppose, everything in between). Grief doesn't travel a straight line. It is a circuitous and painful journey. My heart goes out to those directly affected. Indirect is plenty hard enough, so I can't even imagine.

the thrill is gone

WJPP here and this is going out to a blues loving listener (Tom) by special request in honor of a great musician and entertainer passing. Rest easy B.B. King. You surely gave the world some great guitar playing (and a piece of your heart). Thanks.

This is Nobody Loves Me But My Mother (and she could be jivin' too), live at Cowtown Ballroom, Kansas City, MO in August 1972. (And that bass player is no slouch.) Nice.

leaf off/ the cave

Why can’t you take the leaf off your mouth

Now that you have the facts on your side?

Take a moment to reflect where you’re from

Let reason guide you

See all tracks lead you out from the dark

See all tracks lead you out to the stars

May the light lead you out

May the light lead you out

This chant-like anthem is giving my restless mind and hurting heart some comfort. I am grateful for this beautiful music tonight.

I am sitting here today thinking about marriage equality and praying that the SCOTUS makes the decision my heart tells me is right... a civil right. It pains me to hear hateful sentiments toward LGBTQ folks who deserve the same privilege as their straight human being counterparts to marry.

I am also sitting here and thinking about the unrest in Baltimore, and our President's wise acknowledgement that this is about decades of inequality. Systemic racism? Yes, it's really a thing.

And I am also sitting here thinking about those suffering in Nepal and Pema Chodron's statement: "At this time of such devastating news coming from Nepal, we can take this opportunity to work with compassion, kindness, gentleness and generosity. No doubt our hearts are breaking for those that have to endure the unfathomable suffering that this disaster has imposed upon them. Please join me and many others in doing regular tonglen practice for those that have lost their lives, those that have lost loved ones, those that are injured, those that are having to live in discomfort and fear to survive and also to those that are there to help."

If you enjoyed this beautiful song called "Leaf Off / The Cave," by Swedish indie singer José González, here is one more, just because it is worth your time. This one is called Killing for Love. Thanks wfuv.org.

farewell to a dear one

My brother-in-law Charlie passed away peacefully this morning. With tears in my eyes, I happened to see this Index Card by Jessica Hagy, and it fit perfectly. We are mourning our loss, and finding solace in many happy memories. We will find strength in family coming together to grieve and to celebrate a happy, smiling, kind, loving family member, whom we will all miss very much.

sweetness follows

To paraphrase Dickens, these are the happiest of days and they are the saddest of days. On the heels of Matt's 16th birthday comes the sad realization that our family is soon to lose a special member. Tom's brother Charlie was placed into hospice care on Friday night. We have all been processing all that this involves. This beautiful REM song, Sweetness Follows, has been humming through my head for obvious reasons. I especially like this live performance and the slow tempo that Michael Stipe takes here. Perfect.

Charlie always had a smile on his face, and was a loving, kind, fun person. His family members, and especially his twin brother and best friend Paul, will forever miss him. We know that his death is imminent. We are all preparing ourselves as best as we can. And in the days that follow, we will take solace in many happy memories and in photos from throughout the years. What I hope will never leave me is that I can actually conjure up a sense of his voice and his laugh inside my head. I can't explain how exactly, but if I heard his voice right this moment, I would say "hey - it's Charlie!" For now, we turn to helping Matt cope with his first "close" loss of favorite uncle Chaz. They had a special bond - and I think each of Charlie's nieces and nephews feel the same way.

Charlie was a frequent visitor to this blog and he often told me which musical selections he especially liked. (He loved music as much as I do and we shared a love of Pink Floyd and The Beatles and more.) I think he would like this pick -- and for Charlie, I wish nothing but sweetness. Here are a couple of photos from several years ago. I love these photos.

a prayer for charlie

This is my prayer for my brother-in-law Charlie. He is a big Pink Floyd fan, and he always lets me know that he likes the Pink Floyd related posts here on WJPP. Unfortunately, Charlie won't be able to enjoy this post today... but hopefully soon. He had a long awaited kidney transplant this past August. He has been doing really well until Friday. He had a procedure Wednesday to try to check into stomach pains he had been having. On Friday he knew that something was not right and he checked himself into the hospital. He is gravely ill right now and is not breathing on his own. By Friday evening it was discovered that he had a blood clot in his lungs and has some serious lung complications. This is a very scary time for our family.

Tom went to Phila. to be with Chaz and his siblings for the weekend. After two days of little change, Tom is heading back home. We are all praying for Charlie to become stable enough to be transported by helicopter to the larger hospital in Allentown where his transplant team is, but right now he is not stable. Charlie is a dear of a person. He is always affable, always has a joke and a smile, and is simply a lovable person. He loves to read, he loves his family, he loves his Scrabble game. Please say a little prayer for Charlie.

Breathe.

loss

unbelievably, the sturdy nest, high in the white pine

carefully crafted and wedged

came loose in high winds

and hurtled down to the ground

taking with it two eaglets

before this, thriving

now broken and dead

wings never to soar

pair of eagle parents in shock,

stunned, going back to the spot and letting out plaintive cries

the blackbird understands this lonely screaming

as it rests on a nearby branch

feeling caution for when

the instinct of the eagles will arise again

to go on with life --

eyes flashing left and right

seeing more clearly now than

in the night that will come

and for a moment, feeling free

to fall

© nan, 2014

This was written for The Sunday Whirl. Wordle words: wings, blackbird, life, arise, broken, eyes, moment, see, light, dead, night, and free.

[Note: As you probably will also, I recognized the source of these words immediately since they come from one of my all-time favorite Beatles songs. I found it much more difficult to write a poem when the melody and word arrangement of these words is part of my brain/memory fabric. And then, based on events that happened on Thursday/Friday, the poem came to me. The eagle's nest I had the good fortune to observe and photograph a couple of weeks ago did in fact blow out of its high pine... and the eaglets were confirmed dead by a biologist on a listserv that Tom is on. Nature's cruelty hit me hard. I must say, though, that I prefer the arrangement and meaning of the words from the Beatles song Blackbird much more than they way they arrange here ... and still, I enjoyed the challenge of making new meaning from words that are otherwise close to my heart.]

sister winter

Sufjan Steven's song Sister Winter (set to beautiful winter photographs) seems about right for today. It is the Epiphany. It is Christmas (in Serbia anyway).  It is really, really cold. It is a serene and beautiful day/evening and it is a supremely sad day/evening. I am processing the loss of someone I knew quite well from my earlier days with yoga ... going back to when I was about 13. She died yesterday and I learned about it first thing this morning. A shining star has gone to be with the stars. She was a beautiful and smart woman, a loving mother of three great kids, a pure heart. Her eyes sparkled and she had a sweet and tinkling laugh. While I hadn't seen her in quite a few years, we reconnected on Facebook and had some conversations, the last one about a year ago. The hardest part was having to tell my mother this sad news as they were good friends also.

I am comforted by this quote that I found by Devi Ma:
Grief and sorrow are natural at certain tragic moments in life. We need to find ways to pass it through the heart as we learn to accept and live with what has happened. The heart must be allowed to breathe whatever feelings arise in it from loss. Anger, fear and grief are natural companions to loss. However we also have to be careful not to cling to them or the pain. If we brood too long we risk the heart freezing in time, shutting down and turning to debilitating despair. In time sorrow will become compassion, acceptance and forgiveness. And, we become more empathetic to the suffering of others.

The other song that has been going through my head today is this one: Sufjan Stevens' rendition of Come Thou Font of Every Blessing. Join me in listening once or twice, won't you? Play this link and really take it in. Peace out, as they say.

farewell, Doris Lessing.

Doris Lessing has passed away at the age of 94. Her life was a life well-lived. Her life added value and meaning to my life through her writing.

I have posted about her before, including my favorite quote, here. (For more related posts, you can do a search of this blog on Doris Lessing -- upper left search box.) I put a couple of other great Lessing quotes over on my Tumblr.

The New York Times reported the news, here. (Including a great video of when Doris won the Nobel Peace Prize for Literature at the age of 90.) "Ms. Lessing was an uninhibited and outspoken novelist who shattered convention, embarking on dizzying and at times stultifying literary experiments."

I think the writing of Doris Lessing will continue to influence me for my entire life.

mandela's words and deeds live on . . .

For to be free is not merely to cast off one's chains, but to live in a way that respects and enhances the freedom of others.

--Nelson Mandela  

When I logged into Facebook this morning, I saw many reports that former President of South Africa and world icon Nelson Mandela had passed away at the age of 94. My check of CNN.com said that he is on life support -- stable but not improving seems to be the condition.

Whatever his situation is currently, Nelson Mandela's life deserves celebration, and at the age of 94 with all he has seen and done and influenced, if he is close to death, I hope people making decisions can let him go peacefully. My two cents.

It was not until I was in college that I realized how impactful a life outside my general sphere could be. Nelson Mandela's own words illustrate the power of this man better than anything I could say. The following link contains many of his great quotes, worth reading and letting them guide our every day thinking and deeds:  Nelson Mandela Quotes. Thank you, Mr. Mandela, for increasing human dignity and respect in our world. Thank you for tireless efforts, courage, and as Ghandi suggested, for being the change you wanted to see in the world. A life well lived, indeed.

awareness of good in the midst of bad

The idea that there will be no peace until . . . individual people or groups or religions see one another as interconnected, as branches of one humanity, as deserving of love, respect, caring, as fellow members in one human family . . . is the stuff of poetry, prayers, dreams. We live in a world where we go along happily as long as we can, and then we are interrupted by violence, here or there, and we see and experience suffering. And we go back to happiness, or at least calm, as quickly as we can.

The thing about the Boston Marathon bombing yesterday that stands out the most for me as I watched and re watched footage, is the rush of the many toward the source of the trouble. It was instinctive, like a parent rushing to her/his child who has fallen in the road and scraped his knee - despite the possibility of oncoming traffic. It was a beautiful, wondrous thing. It brings so many of us back to the images of firefighters climbing back up the stairs of the Twin Towers to help, to save, to do what they had to do. Tragedy and heroism intertwined.

A version of this quote quickly went up all over Facebook and I found it incredibly healing. Good old Mr. Rogers. As much as I used to find him a little creepy and poke fun at him, he influenced many people, children and adults, to live in the right way -- to see things in a good way. Thanks, Fred.

One other quote, posted last night on my Tumblr, is also a very affirming and strengthening prayer, in times like these. If you are feeling a sense of hopelessness or despair, repeat it a few times, drink it in like a tonic. It just might help:

Goodness is stronger than evil;
love is stronger than hate;
light is stronger than darkness;
life is stronger than death.

 -- Desmond Tutu

extremes

It has been a week of extremes. 

On Monday evening, our local paper "notebook" section had a cute article about a robin sighting in the area...a farmer in a local area reported that he saw not only one robin, but a whole flock of robins on his elm tree. He was quoted as saying, "I can't believe what I am seeing . . . I have lived here 46 years and have never seen that [a robin in January]. It was about 45 degrees. I had been outdoors, I'd been cutting wood." He heard a chirp. He turned around to see a robin. It flew away only to be replaced by a flock of them, he said. He normally doesn't see robins until spring, and he wanted to alert birders in the area. Isn't that adorable? And that our paper prints that kind of thing now and then is amazing to me. Perhaps equally amazing is the reference to an elm tree. There really aren't any elms around any more after most died off of Dutch elm disease. I remember that there were many trees in my home town in the 1970s that had to be cut down, and I found it incredibly sad. So my point was, that it has been unseasonably warm, with no snow to speak of.

On Thursday, it was so sunny and crisp and fairly warm, that Tom and I snuck off to Ithaca for a walk around Beebe Lake and then a lunch at Moosewood. We actually had a conversation about how if winters of old were really disappearing, we would miss them. We had a nostalgic moment thinking about the smell of winter, cross-country skiing, the sounds of snow.... Although I did add that as much as I love winter and snow, I really only appreciate it for a three-month maximum time period, ideally from mid-December to mid-March. On this beautiful, sparkling day, I learned that a very special person in my life has breast cancer. I am summoning up all my prayers for her to get through this. I am really sad that she has to go through this. It seems really unfair.

Yesterday, we woke up to about 5 inches of snow, high winds, and it snowed all day. It was the first snow day for the kids, and it was wonderful! I had fun watching the birds at my deck feeder throughout the day -- watching the juncos wait patiently for their turn at the feeder in the snowfall, which was being monopolized by the finches. Juncos, one of my favorite birds, usually peck at the seeds at ground or deck level, but they couldn't do that yesterday due to the volume of white stuff. We enjoyed some really nice music last night at our local coffee house while Matt was at a friend's for a couple of hours...Tom sat in and played harmonica with a great guitarist/singer, stand-up bass player, and extremely talented violin player. Really fun evening. We finished off the evening by letting Matt have his friend sleep over, and Tom and I watched episodes of My Drunk Kitchen and "Funny or Die" Drunk History volumes online. (Yes, I'll admit it, I find these videos very funny.)

It was very nice to wake up to bright and sparkling white snow this morning. The sun is shining and winter is gloriously present all around. Shortly after we started our day, we got a call that our dear friend Roger has passed away. He had been ill for the past year, and had been hospitalized a couple of hours away, but before this past year, he was a special presence in our lives. Roger was a retired faculty member at our campus in town. He was a colleague of Tom's and I had taken a course with him on the Civil War back in the late 1990s. He was a gifted teacher. He came to Matthew's baseball and basketball games religiously and we occasionally got together with him for mini-golf or a meal. He was an incorrigible rascal, with a great sense of humor, who loved to openly flirt with me and offer to get rid of Tom. We just loved this man. Yes, he was older, and he had a good life, but what makes his passing especially sad is that his last year was a really terrible year for him, and so I guess on some level we are very happy he is no longer suffering. He didn't deserve that.

So - it has been a week of extremes. Nothing like high highs and low lows to make a person feel human. Reflecting on days like this brings it home that we would be wise to try very hard to pay attention to each moment, and to try to see the divine in life. With gratitude, life is fuller. The days ahead will have some challenge . . . whether it be going to a funeral, supporting a friend through cancer treatment, or dealing with any number of unexpected things that can happen. However, if we are mindful of the beauty and the good and the laughter, we can understand that life is unfolding as it should.

Have a good day.

help japan

The world is watching and the world is praying. If you can do something to help, you will find a list of charitable organizations at this site: Help Japan.

H/T to View from the Ledge for passing this along. The poster is stunning.

pray for japan